Hands

I’m aware my hands are dry and itchy only after persevering several hours on the computer not realising what was wrong I apply moisturizer to them a fresh lemony leafy smell it’s usual greasiness is soaked up immediately into the crevices in my hands I feel a slight suction as I massage it in down my fingers like the pressure I’d imagine of a cow having it’s teats milked or the pressure applied while breastfeeding my own children I can only remember It reminds me how I’d like a drink It’s Friday It’s only 4.05pm and there is a bottle of wine in the fridge with about a glass left Would anyone notice if I did it would be my luck I’d have a last minute call out to do something in the car or someone will turn up and I haven’t done any housework or dishes for a whole week I keep wanting to give up drinking not that I have a problem but I like the idea of saying I don’t drink I like the control I have of myself when I don’t drink it’s like I assume some kind of victim mentality when I drink around people and I can’t assert myself when I need to be intelligent so I usually only drink alone but then there’s fallout because it makes me horrendously depressed down the line if I do it too many nights in a row but never more than a glass or two or a bottle at the most last week when my sister was here we had 3 bottles of white and a quarter of a cask of red between us and I didn’t even have a hangover the next day but I would never drink like that in front of company that I didn’t know I don’t hide my drinking but I just don’t want people to know I do it it’s like a sign of weakness especially since alcohol and gambling addictions run in our family really I’m not cut out for drinking at all and usually get sick after one glass but I do notice that I really want to have a drink when I’m stressed it’s always best I am alone when I drink because I lose all inhibitions and become this person I used to be when I was young but now I don’t have the looks to support the actions and I end up really down on myself but sluttiness doesn’t run in the family as far as I am aware not that anyone would want to let on anyhow maybe its just me and my big mouth and not knowing when to shut up I’ve always thought that I might have some form of Tourette’s Syndrome or something like that some kind of mental deficiency that makes me like it but a psychologist friend of mine who always used to hit on me when his wife wasn’t looking told me that all people think that about themselves to a degree and feel self-conscious and all have a  fake-it-till-they-make-it kind of attitude and only those who think they are sane are actually insane I wonder why this worries me so much